Surrender is so hard. I don't get it. Surrendering to a God who knows everything about me, my past, my future and who loves me and has my best in mind should be the easiest thing to do. It's certainly logical. But somehow that doesn't seem to make a difference to me. Somehow I convinced myself that I'm the best person to be in control of me. Then, I end up in the position I'm in.
I have a hard time surrendering my desires, hopes and feelings (in the area of relationships/marriage) to God. I don't know why, but I have this mindset that if I say, "God, I'm going to wait for you to bring a husband along and be content with the gift of these single years and focus on you. I surrender my hopes and desires for a relationship to you trusting you'll bring the right guy along when the time is right, if you have marriage in store for me," then I'm giving up on ever wanting a relationship. I almost feel as if I surrender, then I'll lose the desire for marriage...and I think that scares me because I hear, "Chances are if you want to be married, then God will bless you with marriage." I end up thinking if I lose the desire than it means I won't get married. Pretty twisted, huh?
Then comes the other side. I want it too badly and I don't think God would give me a relationship because that's like giving me my idol. I mean, I honestly feel I'm letting go, but I'm not to a full surrender yet. I also want my surrender to be because I see God as completely enough for me, not because I think God will give me a relationship as soon as I surrender.
So, that's where I am now. Feeling like I'm on the edge of surrendering but not willing to take that final step that will have me plunge into complete trust in God.
~Have you ever been in a situation where you were resisting surrender in a particular area (or multiple areas)?
~How did God break you of it? What was the outcome?
~Looking back, what do you wish you had known in the midst of it?
~Were there any particular bible verses, songs, poems, or stories that encouraged you during that time (or that you've come across since then)?