(This is long and a bit disorganized and random, but if you do read it, hopefully you can still follow it!)
I want to start by saying that I absolutely love my job at the church.
But, I'll also say, I really miss Michael's.
Today, I went into Michael's and had the same feeling I've gotten all my previous trips there since leaving. I just wanted to throw on a uniform and get working. I always see new people working and wish I was still there making friends with them, getting to know them.
On the way from Michael's to church today, I really started thinking about this whole job situation. I felt so certain that God called me to work at the church. I thought I did everything "right" in determining if God was calling me to make this change. I talked to my parents and they thought it was a good idea. I prayed and felt that God called me to being the church job in the fall. It seemed that everything fell into place in such a way I had no doubt it was God's will.
So why do I feel so uneasy about it? Why do I have a hint of regret and sorrow in leaving Michael's? How come every time I go to Michael's I wish I was still working? Why do I feel like I am missing so much there, like I should still be there, and at the same time, so sure I was called to the church and love it so much? Why do I feel like I walked out on so many relationships at Michael's?
Part of it, I'm sure, has to do with the whole getting used to a new job. I pretty much knew how to do everything I needed to do at Michael's. It was easy. I didn't have to ask for help much. I could go in, do what I needed to do, and clock out at the end of my shift. I rarely felt like I was letting people down or frustrating anyone. At the church, everything is new. I'm having to learn so much. I'm making lots of mistakes. I'm asking so many questions and feeling like I'm not getting it as quickly and easily as I thought I would, and that leads to me thinking I'm frustrating the staff and making them wish they hired someone more competent. It's definitely been a humbling experience. My pride makes me wish everything came naturally, but it doesn't. All of this contributes to me thinking that maybe this is also part of why I was called here. I was definitely comfortable at Michael's and I think this new job is something God is using to show me my pride. I think some of the reason I'm doubting this was God's will is because I figured if it was God's will, I wouldn't feel this way; that I would not miss Michael's and that the job at church would be easy to learn.
With that said, I am hoping that maybe I can go back to Michael's in the summer, just for the summer, as a second job. In some ways, I feel that maybe this job is preparing me to be a better witness at Michael's. I was at Michael's for two years, and I have regrets that I wasn't a great example of a Christian. I think that contributes to a lot of why I wish I was still there. I want a second chance to be a better example. Towards the end, I felt like I was beginning to be a better example, but then I left, so I don't think it really counts. Not that I'll live with a boat load of guilt or anything if I don't get a second chance, but it would definitely be nice to go back if I can.
This post is true to the nature of all others in that it's too long! It was all kind of random and disorganized too... sorry about that!
* Was there ever a decision you made that you thought was God's will, but then doubted it?
*If so, how did you work through it?
*Was it truly God's will or was it your will and you just convinced yourself it was His?
*What scripture encouraged you during your time of reevaluating (or questioning) the decision you made that you were sure was God's will?