Sunday, December 14, 2008

God's Will

(This is long and a bit disorganized and random, but if you do read it, hopefully you can still follow it!)

I want to start by saying that I absolutely love my job at the church.

But, I'll also say, I really miss Michael's.

Today, I went into Michael's and had the same feeling I've gotten all my previous trips there since leaving. I just wanted to throw on a uniform and get working. I always see new people working and wish I was still there making friends with them, getting to know them.

On the way from Michael's to church today, I really started thinking about this whole job situation. I felt so certain that God called me to work at the church. I thought I did everything "right" in determining if God was calling me to make this change. I talked to my parents and they thought it was a good idea. I prayed and felt that God called me to being the church job in the fall. It seemed that everything fell into place in such a way I had no doubt it was God's will.

So why do I feel so uneasy about it? Why do I have a hint of regret and sorrow in leaving Michael's? How come every time I go to Michael's I wish I was still working? Why do I feel like I am missing so much there, like I should still be there, and at the same time, so sure I was called to the church and love it so much? Why do I feel like I walked out on so many relationships at Michael's?

Part of it, I'm sure, has to do with the whole getting used to a new job. I pretty much knew how to do everything I needed to do at Michael's. It was easy. I didn't have to ask for help much. I could go in, do what I needed to do, and clock out at the end of my shift. I rarely felt like I was letting people down or frustrating anyone. At the church, everything is new. I'm having to learn so much. I'm making lots of mistakes. I'm asking so many questions and feeling like I'm not getting it as quickly and easily as I thought I would, and that leads to me thinking I'm frustrating the staff and making them wish they hired someone more competent. It's definitely been a humbling experience. My pride makes me wish everything came naturally, but it doesn't. All of this contributes to me thinking that maybe this is also part of why I was called here. I was definitely comfortable at Michael's and I think this new job is something God is using to show me my pride. I think some of the reason I'm doubting this was God's will is because I figured if it was God's will, I wouldn't feel this way; that I would not miss Michael's and that the job at church would be easy to learn.

With that said, I am hoping that maybe I can go back to Michael's in the summer, just for the summer, as a second job. In some ways, I feel that maybe this job is preparing me to be a better witness at Michael's. I was at Michael's for two years, and I have regrets that I wasn't a great example of a Christian. I think that contributes to a lot of why I wish I was still there. I want a second chance to be a better example. Towards the end, I felt like I was beginning to be a better example, but then I left, so I don't think it really counts. Not that I'll live with a boat load of guilt or anything if I don't get a second chance, but it would definitely be nice to go back if I can.

This post is true to the nature of all others in that it's too long! It was all kind of random and disorganized too... sorry about that!

* Was there ever a decision you made that you thought was God's will, but then doubted it?
*If so, how did you work through it?
*Was it truly God's will or was it your will and you just convinced yourself it was His?
*What scripture encouraged you during your time of reevaluating (or questioning) the decision you made that you were sure was God's will?


Michelle said...

* Was there ever a decision you made that you thought was God's will, but then doubted it?
I attended Washington College for a semester my freshman year of college. I prayed about it incessantly, and it still turned out badly.
*If so, how did you work through it?
... I left. Period. Hahaha. I figured if I was ecstatic when I could get through two days in a row without crying, that was a bad sign and I should just go home. So, now I go to HCC, and I feel much better about it.
*Was it truly God's will or was it your will and you just convinced yourself it was His?
Honestly, I don't think it's that cut and dry. Maybe it wasn't His will, but I feel as though He used me at WAC, even during the short time I was there. So, who is to say what is His will and what isn't? When I get to Heaven, I'll be sure to ask, but for now, I don't feel like splitting hairs.
*What scripture encouraged you during your time of reevaluating (or questioning) the decision you made that you were sure was God's will?
Jeremiah 29:11. It was my senior quote, and in my distress at WAC, I forgot all about it until someone else mentioned it to me.

Bethany said...

Yes right now I tend to doubt that I made the right choice with this whole church thing.

Right now I am just spending a lot of time praying.

I believe it was God’s will for me to take this step. I spent three years working through this. Though it has been more this year that I’ve been struggling with the decision to move on or stay.

I spent a lot of time in Psalms specifically Psalm 37 and 43. I also liked Phil 4:6-7

Anonymous said...

I turned down a job to work for World Relief and stayed at the Walters. I was offered the job and it seemed so perfect! Working for a ministry that essentially does mission work by working through local churches in the Marketing dept doing writing/website stuff. Plus as small raise.

I just had no peace about it. I mean NO peace. It's probably the only decision in life I've ever made based on a gut feeling. I'm pretty analytical and base decisions on hardcore facts. Josh didn't care what my decision was. He said it was up to me and whatever was fine with him.

After I made this decision and turned down the job I really questioned whether I made the right decision. Several years later a friend got a job there and said I probably made the right decision by not accepting the job.

I don't know for sure one way or the other if I made the right decision, but I do know that God was in control and I see a lot of good that came from staying where I was. I think God would have probably blessed either decision, but I think he had me at the Walters for a reason.

Amy said...

well, I'm about two months late, but just popped over to your blog and was scanning through your last several posts, and this one caught my eye.

wanted to say first that I so admire your thirst for wisdom. I hardly know you and have not been a regular reader of your blog, but every time I pop over here, I see you asking to hear from those who have traveled the road ahead of you. what a wonderful attitude! I could learn a lot from your proactive quest for the wisdom of godly women :)

anyway, your questions caught my eye because the answer to the first one is a giant YES. it involved who I ended up marrying! I'm sure the story would get too long for this comment box, but if you ever want to hear it, shoot me an email (and of course I won't be offended if you don't!) :)