Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Be Still and Know that I am God

So yeah, it's been forever since I wrote and I doubt people actually read this anymore.

This semester is weird. I have zero motivation and I really don't care about grades. I only have a secure A in one class right now. This is quite a change from last semester where I got A's on every assignment for about half the semester and ended with straight A's.

Last semester, though, I was finding my identity in grades. They were too important. I would put them before time with God. I was stressed and overwhelmed pretty much constantly. This semester I decided not to let that happen. Unfortunately, I didn't balance so well and I ended up going the opposite way. Sure, I'm not stressed or overwhelmed, which is good. However, I'm getting mostly B's and C's (with the exception of Special Ed). Not cool.

I justify this by saying this is the first semester where all 4 subjects are decently challenging. I'm actually reading the text books for every class that requires it (generally I read the book until the first test, then decide I can do fine without reading and it works) except I kinda fell behind in Geography reading, my hardest, most hated subject (prob not a good thing to fall behind in). So all that to say, I'm not putting in less effort. At least I don't think so. It's just a harder semester. I'm used to putting in the least required work and getting A's. Believe me, it doesn't take much to be a good student at a community college. This semester I'm doing lots of work, yet it's not really showing. I don't get it.

More than just academics, though, this semester is lousy social-wise. I feel like I'm in my first semester again and mostly I just sit there looking like the loser homeschool girl with no social skills. In geography I got a 5/20 on a pop quiz and a 75% on the first test. I haven't opened my mouth at all in that class and I only understand maybe .01% of what goes on in that class. Yet, the professor told me I'm smart (how he knows this, I have no certainly isn't showing in my grades) and should ask questions and talk. He's told me that twice. Not sure what I would ask though. I have no idea what's going on. The only thing I think I learned is that he loves to tell us he knows more about our country than we do (he's from Africa). It's true, but I think we knew that first class. No need to repeat it each class. He's a nice guy, don't get me wrong. I still hate the class though. Not that it's a bust all around, socially. I'm meeting some people in the Christian Club and stuff, but that's only once a week.

I think a lot of this is the enemy attacking. I don't want to use it as a cop-out or an excuse for my miserable academic performance, but I can't dismiss it either. I have been getting really close to God and my passion for Him is increasing. When I was distant from God (most of last semester and the beginning of this semester) my grades were excellent, my social life was thriving, and my friendships were strong. Life was amazing. Satan left me alone. Then, about a month ago I started drawing near to God. I was gaining an increased passion for him. And my grades started dropping. My social life was awkward. And one of my closest friends and I had some miscommunication and false assumptions taking place between us that divided us so much that I really thought I was going to lose her friendship. I really think this was the enemy trying to get me to doubt God--his love, his promises, his mercy, his grace. Everything good about Him. I hated it. I wanted to cry. Actually, I did. It was awful. The enemy was attacking two areas that he knew were important to me: my friends and my education. I've never in my life had problems with friends. I didn't know how to deal with it. I've drifted away from friends, but it was because life took us different ways, not because there were disagreements.

Yesterday I was able to talk to Heather, my caregroup leaders wife, about life, and particularly about the situation with my friend, something I had kept to myself-- not even my family knew what was going on with my friend. She asked me questions and encouraged me. She let me know she was praying for me. Last night I went out with this friend to try to resolve things. It was great. I had a peace about the conversation and the Lord was merciful. It felt normal. It wasn't awkward around her, despite all that had happened. We talked about life and about what had happened. I have faith and hope for this friendship. We both do actually. :)

God is amazing. He can restore friendships. I know that when I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me.

I know this was long, disorganized, and there wasn't exactly a clear point to it. It was more my way of remembering this time in my life. A time when I easily could have decided God wasn't fair to make my life miserable when I was getting close to Him (definitely not His fault, but my sinful heart def was on the verge of that accusation). I don't know that anyone can draw any encouragement from this, but if nothing else...remember that God is faithful. If your life seems to be falling apart, be still and know that He is GOD, and he will work through your most difficult trials in life.


Laurie Lynn said...

"and mostly I just sit there looking like the loser homeschool girl with no social skills."
Oh boy, does that sound like a common theme of homeschool girls (my daughters have felt and said similar things) and it surely is another way that the flesh and the devil get the upper hand! I've never met you, this is true, but I'm sure that you don't "look like" and indeed that you are NOT a "loser homeschool girl"!! Just you mind that!!
Did I ever mention that I used to think that peer insecurity stuff is something we grow out of... until I went to a noontime senior citizen meal with my 70 some year old neighbor lady and I was eye-openly shocked to realize peer insecurities still happen even at 70 something!?! I don't think that may be encouraging to you somehow. I don't mean to DIScourage you. Really! It is just even at my age and even at 70ish, peer/social insecurities can bother, even seem to plague us, but when our identity is in Christ (Who is our LIFE) we can rest in Him and His truth in our lives and see ourselves AND OTHERS as He does!
May I encourage you to read Romans 8:26-29?
And may I encourage you to trust Him, cling to Him and cry out to Him to fulfill every need and longing you have! He knows and is at work in us for His glory and our good! (Romans 8:28)
You began your post doubting that anyone reads your blog anymore... I have your blog on my RSS feed and so I do keep up, but my insecurities tell me, "Sarah probably wishes you DID NOT read her blog and leave such long comments!" Sorry!

marisa said...

You're not socially awkward.